The holidays are supposed to be about togetherness, tradition, and joy. But when you’re caring for someone with dementia, this season can bring a different feeling; one that’s harder to explain. You might find yourself grieving someone who is still sitting across from you at the dinner table.
This kind of grief doesn’t fit neatly into what most people understand about loss. There’s no funeral, no sympathy cards, no clear moment when mourning “begins.” And yet, the sadness is real. The exhaustion is real. The ache for the person your loved one used to be is very real.
If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing anything wrong by grieving now.
What Is Ambiguous Grief?
Ambiguous grief is the name researchers give to the sorrow that comes when a person is still physically present, but the relationship has changed in profound ways. In dementia caregiving, this might mean:
- Your spouse no longer remembers your wedding day, or your name
- Your parent doesn’t recognize you as their child
- Conversations you used to share are no longer possible
- Personality changes have made your loved one feel like a different person
- Holiday traditions that once brought you together now feel painful or impossible
This type of grief can feel confusing because there’s no clear “loss” that others can see. Your loved one is still here. People may expect you to feel grateful for that, and you might feel guilty when gratitude isn’t what shows up.
But grief doesn’t wait for a death certificate. It arrives when connection changes, when memories fade, when the future you imagined together disappears. That’s a real loss, even if it’s invisible to others.
Why the Holidays Make This Harder
The holiday season often amplifies ambiguous grief for several reasons.
Memories surface everywhere. Songs, decorations, and traditions can trigger vivid memories of how things used to be. The contrast between past holidays and this one can feel sharp and painful.
Family gatherings highlight changes. Relatives who haven’t seen your loved one recently may be shocked by the progression. You may find yourself explaining the situation repeatedly or managing other people’s emotions on top of your own.
Expectations feel heavy. There’s cultural pressure to feel festive, to create meaningful moments, to be present and cheerful. When you’re grieving, those expectations can feel impossible to meet.
You’re already exhausted. Caregiving takes enormous energy. Adding holiday preparations, visitors, and disrupted routines can push you past your limits, leaving little room to process your own emotions.
Giving Yourself Permission to Grieve
One of the most important things you can do this holiday season is give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up. Grief during caregiving isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. It’s a natural response to a painful situation.
Here are some gentle reminders:
- You can love someone deeply and grieve them at the same time
- You don’t have to “stay strong” for everyone else
- Crying, feeling angry, or wanting to be alone are all valid responses
- You’re allowed to skip traditions that feel too painful this year
- Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and there’s no “right” way to feel during the holidays
If well-meaning friends or family tell you to “stay positive” or remind you that your loved one is “still here,” it’s okay to simply say, “I know, and I’m also grieving. Both things are true.”
Practical Ways to Honor Your Grief This Season
You don’t have to push through the holidays pretending everything is fine. Here are some ways to care for yourself while honoring what you’re feeling.
Name what you’re experiencing. Simply acknowledging “I’m grieving” can bring relief. You might say it out loud, write it in a journal, or share it with someone you trust. Putting words to your feelings helps them feel less overwhelming.
Adjust traditions thoughtfully. You don’t have to do everything the way you always have. Maybe this year means a smaller gathering, simpler meals, or skipping certain events entirely. Protecting your energy is not giving up on the holidays. It’s adapting with wisdom.
Create a small ritual of remembrance. Some caregivers find comfort in honoring who their loved one was, even while caring for who they are now. This might mean looking at old photos together, playing music from meaningful times, or lighting a candle in quiet acknowledgment of your loss.
Find moments alone. Even brief moments of solitude can help you process emotions. Step outside for a few minutes of fresh air. Sit in your car before going into a gathering. Let yourself breathe.
Connect with people who understand. Other dementia caregivers often “get it” in ways that friends and family may not. Support groups, whether in-person or online, can offer a space where your grief is recognized and validated. The Alzheimer’s Association and local caregiver organizations often have resources available.
Talk with a counselor if you need more support. Ambiguous grief can be heavy to carry alone. A therapist or counselor who understands caregiver grief can provide a safe space to process your feelings without judgment.
When Others Don’t Understand
Not everyone will recognize or validate your grief. Some people may minimize it because your loved one is still alive. Others may avoid the topic because it makes them uncomfortable.
If this happens, remember:
- Their discomfort doesn’t make your grief less real
- You get to choose who you share your feelings with
- It’s okay to set boundaries around conversations that feel hurtful
- Seeking out people who do understand is an act of self-care, not weakness
You might also find it helpful to have a simple response ready, such as: “Dementia means I’m losing them a little at a time. The grief is real, even though they’re still here.”
You’re Carrying Something Heavy
What you’re experiencing this holiday season is not simple sadness. It’s grief layered with love, exhaustion, and the weight of showing up day after day for someone who may not fully know you’re there.
That takes courage. It takes endurance. And it deserves acknowledgment.
You don’t have to feel grateful or festive or strong right now. You just have to get through, one day at a time. And on the days when grief feels heaviest, please remember: you’re not alone in this, even when it feels that way.
Key Takeaways
- Ambiguous grief is the sorrow of losing someone who is still physically present, and it’s common in dementia caregiving
- The holidays can intensify this grief through memories, family gatherings, and cultural pressure to feel festive
- You can love someone deeply and grieve them at the same time; both feelings are valid
- Adjusting traditions, finding moments alone, and connecting with people who understand can help you cope
- Your grief is real, even if others don’t recognize it, and seeking support is a sign of strength
